A warm welcome from me
And a cold one from my invertebrate acquaintances
Spineless beings.
The soft simple e-boys, munchy crunchy granola grubs, and creepy crawly crabs of the Earth. You see them every day, ignore them, and move on. Instead of appreciating them, you likely find yourself tormented with a love for charismatic vertebrates: your standard-issue frogs, dogs, and hogs. It’s perfectly natural to favor organisms that look more like us. But oh boy, you internet-poisoned youths, do I have news for you. Invertebrates, spineless animals, deserve attention too! They were here before us and they will be here when we are gone. Invertebrates don’t just spawn out of TikTok holes and insecurity. They’re in the ocean! They’re on land! They. Are. Everywhere. In your socks probably (don’t forget to check your socks).
Millenia ago, I was in your place. I too knew little about invertebrates. I assumed coral was a plant and insects were a burden. But now, like a butterfly, I have metamorphosed. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no expert. But at least now I know one thing from another! I can hunt for bugs (successfully sometimes), I know the difference between a wasp and a fly-in-disguise, and I can find you an octopus if we go tide pooling.
I’ve also murdered so many invertebrates. Like SO many. I have committed heinous crimes in the name of science. I likely deserve to be hogtied and locked up. But, you should still listen to me, and here’s why:
No one else gives a fuck.
It’s true. They really don’t. The only people who care if YOU care about invertebrates are professional invertebrate researchers and other young people in biology, ecology, or zoology like me. And those who get paid enough to write to you 1. Cannot talk to you like this and 2. Don’t have time to talk to you. As much as I hate to say it, I’m all you’ve got. I’m getting a minor out of this. But also; damn do I love inverts.
Sure, many invertebrates fall into the “icky” category. I’ve done my fair share of running away from insects while screaming for my mommy (What?? She’s good at killing bugs). But, have you ever seen the look on your friends’ faces when you easily capture a crab at the beach without getting pinched, or when you catch a fly with two chopsticks Karate-Kid-style? While I can’t guarantee that you will gain these skills by reading my newsletter, I will bribe you to stay with the superhuman confidence that comes alongside knowing shit about invertebrates. I mean, they do make up 97% of all species.
If you learn about inverts, you too can gain knowledge about the majority of animals on Earth! There is already too much research out there about the 3% that make up the vertebrates, but the vertebrates have a fatal flaw in the eyes of invertebrate biologists; at the end of the day, they will always lack the incredible diversity of invertebrates. There is a never-ending reservoir of knowledge about the invertebrates that can constantly be excavated. Ever wanted to discover a species? Or perform research that will affect an entire country? Or even the entire world? If so, then invertebrates, and this newsletter, may be for you.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE POINT OF THIS NEWSLETTER?
Thank you for asking. The point is to get you interested in invertebrates. I will be your vessel for information about different invertebrate taxa (scientifically classified groups), through the form of satire.
WHO TF ARE YOU?
I am a recently graduated student at the University of California, Santa Barbara. In college, I studied biology with a focus in marine biology. I was a part of the Professional Writing Minor science communication track (yes this counts as SciComm, don’t @ me). I worked at the UCSB REEF touch tank aquarium as an aquarist and lead informal science educator, and I have also interned at the Birch Aquarium in San Diego and the Santa Barbara Sea Center.
I have been researching invertebrates for several years now, especially in the Culver laboratory where I study invertebrate fisheries and aquaculture (crabs, scallops, and lobsters, oh my!). My favorite course series at UCSB was called “invertebrate zoology” and in it, I learned about all 30-35ish invertebrate phyla.
I used to only care about sharks and manta rays, but my world view was transformed when I was introduced to the nudibranch, the tiny and brightly colored sea slugs that probably shouldn’t exist. They look like candy and I want to eat them–but I won’t, I swear.
WHO IS THIS NEWSLETTER FOR?
If you are over 30 then literally leave immediately.
Okay fine, you may stay if you wish. However, I am specifically writing this newsletter to high schoolers and undergraduate students who are interested in biology, learning more about invertebrates, and being entertained (hopefully).
HOW WILL THIS WORK?
If you subscribe to my newsletter via Substack, you will be notified by email when new issues are posted. Lucky for you, it is currently free to subscribe!
Each post will consist of three layers: the “meat,” which will be a satirical piece about an invertebrate taxa, a recount of my personal experience with invertebrates, or a concept relating to invertebrate biology; the “cheese,” or an exploration of an invertebrate species; and the “bread,” which will consist of recent news and resources relating to invertebrates, internships, and jobs. Can you tell that my sandwiches are simple?
You will be welcomed into this space regardless of your sandwich choices, beliefs, gender, age, education… Subscribe to my newsletter and I will do my best to instill in you a greater appreciation of invertebrates–the spineless beings that are definitely “not” forcing me to write this ;)
I feel so informed!